If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.