Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
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If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only