Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
me
Last-minute gift idea!
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.