HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
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presenting your incognito window wrapped
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
how to market bottled water to dads
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor