I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
“Wait, let me explain..”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about