There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
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Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows