Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*