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Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
that lip filler tho
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs