They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
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My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream