can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
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What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even