Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
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This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Goodnight 🐶
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Mornin