of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.