My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
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Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂