I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
You Might Also Like
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
when you are just born a rebel
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver