*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔