Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
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if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude