My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
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My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
*serious situation*
My brain:
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.