He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
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My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*