I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
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You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
This woman is my idol. Free her.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.