King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
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I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead