She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
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I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
selfie game
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed