Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
You Might Also Like
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.