[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
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It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me