A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.