My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
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Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Nice try, poison.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
no regrets