I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
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[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”