SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
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I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon