Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Good morning y’all ☀️
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.