Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”