Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
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*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
An odd boast
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?