“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
You Might Also Like
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.