‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…