My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.