[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
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#growingpains
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.