Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬