I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Sharon, call the vet
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby