[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
You Might Also Like
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
She puts the hot in psychotic
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous