My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
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Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!