Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”