Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…