(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
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welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…