her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
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As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Oh yeah that’s it
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Got him!
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Just ordered me some pizza!
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.