Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Me buying fruit and veg
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.