Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
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This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
True freaking story!
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?