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Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.