haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
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🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.