me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
uncle dave has been through hell
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones