I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.