the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
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Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.