Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
You Might Also Like
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Just had my nails done!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
this is the news I live for
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car